A Thing Or Two About Mothers...

Some have said that I have an impeccable sense of timing. Others have said I get it right every once in a while. Either way, with Mother's Day right around the corner I guess now is as good a time as any to say a few things about mothers and motherly behavior. No, this won't be sappy like a Hallmark card with flowers, lace, cute little puppies and a sound clip of some gosh awful Barry Manilow song. Actually this is more an observation of what a mother is from my perspective.

Now, I don't really know what it means to be a mother. I do know however what it is to have one. Actually I've lucked out a bit in that department and have a couple of them. No, my father was not a member of some polygamist cult, and I'll thank you for not continuing to spread those horrid rumors. It has not been good for my reputation and it has the neighbors staring at me in a rather peculiar way whenever I leave the house. That aside, I do believe I am qualified to give commentary on mothers from a son's perspective.

First off, what is the job of a mother? What does she do anyway? Some would say she is the loving comforter among the parents. Some suggest she's the cook when friends are over. Still others say she's the person who keeps the house and has dinner ready on time for everyone to sit around the table and chow down. As nice as this sounds, it barely scratches the surface.

We have two dogs, and even though both are spayed females and neither has ever had a litter, and they are less than six months apart in age, I can draw some lessons from observing them. In fact, quite recently some of my observations have shed light on what being a mother is really all about. It's really not about conception, incubation and birth. I say that because I've seen one of our dogs act in a very motherly way toward the other, and they are entirely unrelated. On many occasions the older one will lie down beside the younger one and lick her a bit to clean her up, much like most of our mothers did for us when we were infants, only they put us into the bathtub instead because there was too much surface area on us to lick clean without running out of saliva. But she doesn't just clean the other dog up a bit. She also occasionally forgets that she's a dog and tries to hatch the other dog's head by sitting upon it. Now how is this motherly behavior, you ask? Easy. From time to time mothers need to demonstrate who is really in charge by sitting on their childr...I mean by putting their children in their place. And it's always for their own good, or so we've been told.

But motherhood isn't always that much fun. You can't sit on your children all the time and claim to be a candidate for Mother of the Year. It takes a more complete skill set than that. It involves acquiring skills that people spend lots of time and money mastering, but mothers do it without pay. They are chauffeurs in really large automobiles. I've seen mothers here in Doha driving vehicles large enough to live in and give each child his own room, with closets. I have a theory that some quite possibly might have indoor plumbing for such a purpose. On top of that, mothers have to be somewhat proficient in the skills of a nurse, at least a triage nurse. Bandages, kisses on boo-boos and an excessive supply of virtually any liquid that can sting like a nest of hornets when applied to a scrape or cut are her specialties. Many people spend years of their lives in college learning such skills. Mothers do it instinctively, and again without pay. Frequently mothers are highly skilled chefs, mastering everything from canned ravioli to a Thanksgiving smorgasbord. Friends who randomly show up are always welcome too. Mothers don't really seem to mind too much.

Exterminators. They can overcome paralyzing fears of mice, spiders, roaches, and the neighborhood bully to successfully dispatch them all. Some take care of such problems with a paper towel (with a healthy dose of ether for the bully) while others become trick shot artists with a shoe. No matter what though, they seem to find a way to get things taken care of, probably all while cooking some elaborate roast for the evening meal.

Experts at math. Many a mother has taken time to help her children get homework done. OK, so the homework may not be done right, but it is done. And all because of a mother's love.

So really, what is it that makes a mother? It's an unwavering sacrifice of self. Caring, sharing, loving, shouting, hugging, smacking, feeding, and ordering an occasional night in a bedroom without dinner. Most of all, it's doing what she believes is the best thing for her children and trying to prepare them to become good adults.

The mother figures in my life, both mother and stepmother, were not perfect. It wasn't their job to be perfect. It was to do what they believed was right for me. Did they succeed? Well, I'm still alive and I'm not in jail. I learned a lot from them. For example, I know that a hatchet and green paint in hand with the neighbor's white picket fence chosen as a subject for modern art won't endear a five year old boy to those neighbors. I really did only want to make it look nicer. Honest.

I guess what I'm getting at is that a mother is more than just a biological contributor to a child's DNA. A mother will love you no matter what, and hopefully will be able to forgive you for all of those things she still doesn't know about.

Anyway, since Mother's Day is upon us and I have two people to call (oh, and my wife will certainly want to call her mother too) I'm going to wrap this all up and wish all mothers a Happy Mother's Day. Thanks for everything.